Lately I have been crazy stressed a little high strung. I am always being pulled in one thousand directions. But I never seam to get anything done. But recently it was so aggressively kindly put into perspective by husband. I know he wasn’t meaning to be mean or anything when he said it but it did hurt my feelings just the same. He goes you are unable to relax anymore.
At first I was like WTF are you talking about. But now that it has been a few days I am noticing it myself. I notice the small things like when I am sitting down to watch a little TV I have to get up and clean up the toy area. Or when I am doing 1 of my favorite things in life, feeding the baby my mind is racing on why I need to hurry up to do this then that and then that again. I can’t stop for a few minuets a day and RELAX. I realize this. I realize that I need to stop and enjoy everything but most of the time I just feel like I can’t catch my breathe. I feel so anxious I that everything has to be done perfectly. But it never does. My house stays in a state of national disaster and I feel like I am always frustrated with my kids. I feel like I am cleaning up the same toys over and over and over. (funny in the sermon this morning the pastor was talking about this one.)
And then all of this adds to my need to live a certain way with certain guidelines in my home. Like cleaning up after dinner. Tonight after dinner my husband goes “Hey why don’t you come in here and rest and I will clean up later”. I am like OK but what I am really thinking is ….. Yeah you have no intention at all to come and clean later. You are telling me this so that I can come sit down with you while you are laying on the couch asleep so that me working doesn’t make you feel bad and you also know that I will last about 5 minuets (See above) before I get up and do it myself. Once again if I leave it for you to do later it will never get done by you and thus causing more work for me later so I might as well just get up and do it myself. Yeah I think that about sums it up. So that is exactly what I did. I got up and cleaned the kitchen and then proceed to clean the living room up that I had cleaned up right before dinner only to clean it back up 30 minuets later after the babies went to bed. And then after that I went down to clean the basement with the older 2.
I really didn’t mean for this to end up being a complaint of a post. I know that I am not the only one that feels this way. The funny thing about today was as I was talking to my good friend Erica today explaining all of this she walked into her house and the same thing that I was talking about had just happened to her. She walk into a disaster for HER to have to clean up. I then realized that I am not alone. I just have to suck it up and learn to deal with it.
But I do want to learn to be able to relax again. I want to learn to sit back and enjoy the little things. I want to be OK with the fact that there are dirty dishes in the sink and laundry needs to be done or toys are laying all around. But at the same time I want my house to be clean and things to be organized. I have to be able to find a happy medium with this one. I am not sure how to juggle all of this but I sure hope I figure it out soon before I have missed anymore of those “moments” with my family.